O’Brien dished out jokes ranging from mocking Timothée Chalamet’s ballet and opera controversy, making cracks about Sean Penn and Ted Sarandos and taking aim at the lack of arrests over the Jeffrey Epstein files. He also mocked the American health care system and right-wing Super Bowl counter-programming. O’Brien closed his monologue by sincerely addressing the current moment of global uncertainty amid the war in Iran.

My Oscar Book:

“I’m Conan O’Brien and I’m honored to be the last human host of the Academy Award. Next year it’s going to be a Waymo in a tux.”

“Last year, when I hosted, Los Angeles was on fire. But this year, everything’s going great!”

“Security is extremely tight tonight. I’m told there are concerns about attacks from both the opera and ballet community.” This was followed by a shot of Chalamet smiling gamely.

“One Battle After Another. Best supporting actor nominee Sean Penn got an erection at gunpoint. Then director Paul Thomas Anderson said, ‘Let’s put that in the film!’”

“I should warn you tonight things could get political. So there’s an alternate Oscars hosted by Kid Rock at the Dave and Busters down the street.”

“In Hamnet, Shakespeare’s wife gives birth by herself in the woods. Or what we call in America: Affordable health care.”

“Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos is here and this is exciting: This is his first time in a theater. ‘This is what they’re talking about? Why are they together enjoying themselves?! They should be home alone!’”

“Let’s hear it for Sinners. Sinners director Ryan Coogler declined to become a voting member of the Academy because he doesn’t like judging his fellow artists’ work. But the rest of you pricks seem to love it!”

“Best documentary short films — or as I like to call them, Little Sads.”

“Amazon Studios didn’t receive any nominations this year. Also shut out, Wal-Mart and Chewy.”

“It’s the first time since 2012 there are no British actors nominated for best actors or best actress. A British spokesperson said: “Yeah, but at least we arrest our pedophiles.’”

O’Brien then got serious. “Yes, tonight is an international event. If I can be serious for just a moment, everyone watching right now, around the world, is all too aware that these are very chaotic, frightening times. It’s at moments like these that I believe that the Oscars are particularly resonant — 31 countries across six continents are represented this evening, and every film we salute is the product of thousands of people speaking different languages, working hard to make something of beauty. We pay tribute tonight, not just to film, but to the ideals of global artistry, collaboration, patience, resilience and that rarest of qualities today — optimism.”

“Hosting this show is a very thin line,” O’Brien said at a press conference. “We’re celebrating movies and the amazing people behind them, but it has to be funny without tipping into anger or politics.” O’Brien has also noted he wasn’t going to mention President Trump, and noted, “when comedians get angry instead of clever, it doesn’t land.”

O’Brien said that he gets obsessive about preparing for the gig. “I get obsessive,” says O’Brien. “I want to turn it off, but I can’t. That’s not always a fun ride, but that’s the deal. At 62, I understand it. I tell my daughter, ‘You have to know your own owner’s manual.’ I now know the Conan Owner’s Manual.”